There are times when I’ve felt like the dumbest person alive. When something has happened that’s just so monumentally foolish and preventable and obvious that a facepalm simply won’t do the situation justice. I’m not sure whether these moments are happening more often now, or if age has made me more self-aware – but I have become better at dealing with them. For instance, that time last week when I locked myself out of the work van in my own driveway. Totally preventable and it caused a few grunts and grumblings, but I joked around the with the AAA guy and went on with my day. A few years ago? Brick through the window. See? Progress!
With that in mind, and because as we all know the internet is about helping other people (well, that and distributing memes far and wide until they become so obnoxious that people threaten to burn your house down), here are some things that I’ve learned over the last year which may be helpful to you. In absolutely no order of importance whatsoever.
- The Red Sox refuse to sign anyone who has played for them and become a free agent, proven they can handle the pressures of playing in Boston, had success for the team, and still has value to the team (see also: Orlando Cabrera, Jason Bay, and Victor Martinez). There is nothing you can do except get used to it. They will instead sign someone else for more money who has never done squat to indicate playing in Boston will work out and/or that they’ll actually be worth their paycheck (see also: Edgar Renteria and J.D. Drew). Or, they’ll sign someone who once played with Satchel Paige to fill their spot for a year or two instead of keeping a younger player who would’ve filled the spot for years to come (see also: Mike Cameron). No amount of weeping or gnashing of teeth on WEEI’s whiner line will fix this.
- Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
- Arguing with a three year old is a lot like arguing with a completely blitzed and incomprehensible drunk – even if you win, you’re the only one who knows it. So really, you lose and there’ll probably be a head wound in your future.
- Don’t launch a new blog the same week as a major holiday which involves football and consuming mass amounts of turkey and mashed potatoes. Regular posts will not happen and you’ll wind up half apologizing in your second post by planting a little joke somewhere in the middle.
- Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
- As I mentioned in my first ever post here (you know, the one from last week), six o’clock in the morning is the latest I will ever get to sleep in until Kaelin has become a teenager. I’ve accepted this and to some degree, I’m okay with it. That is, until I try to use her morning wake-up instead of an alarm clock and she sleeps in… on the one day of the week we need her to be awake at six o’clock.
- My daughter can assemble puzzles so fast it makes my head spin. We’re talking puzzles that are a good year or two ahead of her age, the first time she gets them out of the box. Neither Kim or I have any talent or interest in puzzles. Sometimes, DNA is a funny thing.